It is perhaps the most unique, most discussed, most debated, and ironically the most feared feeling a person can experience. It comes unannounced, without warning or any signs. Moreover, you never know when it will leave. Sometimes it establishes itself in the mind of the bearer like a cancerous tumor, growing with every passing second until it completely controls the senses. Sometimes it lingers in one corner of the mind waiting for the right opportunity to explode. I could write a few hundred pages describing the various personifications of fear. But I will spare you the torture.
I have always visualized fear a a different entity altogether. An independent being, which takes over my mind and eventually controls my actions or is responsible for my inaction. The idea of fear in my mind is similar to the idea of God. Undefined, yet so potent. The most intriguing and perhaps the most terrifying aspect of fear is to cloud your thinking. I never surrender to it on the first instance. Even if I am panicking. I try to reach its roots but fear has the power to cloud itself at every stage, at every new level you unravel. As I progress down the levels, my thinking blurs to the point that I cannot think anything beyond the fear which inflicts me. I know the last few lines were confusing, but here is how I can put it in a better way.
A fear develops in my mind. I panic. But I still take the steps to try and root it out. I manage to dispel the first negative thoughts which come to my mind and try figuring out: what next? But then another negative thought is born in the mind, and it seems that I am repeating the cycle again. An infinite loop. This keeps happening till the fear evolves into a terrible vision.
A terrible vision is not always a terrible thing though. Sometimes this vision has forced me to take steps I should have taken a long time back. Yet to see the terrible vision in a different light is an altogether different story. 9 out of 10 times I fail. Yet, somehow, because of the 1 time I succeeded, I feel that I may reduce the equation to 8 out of 10. That feeling, is my definition of hope. And it does come. I just have to try.
At this moment, i am marred by another fear. I am not going to discuss it here because its kind of personal. Yet, I feel that tonight is the night when I need to figure out a way. If not a way then at least I have to search for some hope.
